Things have been so day to day, somedays are great and others are just horrible. Right now i'm 29.3 weeks pregnant and I've been been very emotional. My fiance can be so high strong sometimes, and I'm just very mellow and chill. Sometimes I look at himand think, "There's so many of important things in life, why are you wasting your energy on something so small"? I just wish we understood one another better, at the begining it was so different. I feel like he deff changed a little bit, most people do but I thought something so different than what I do now. I feel like a few tings was hidden from me, he can be very imature at points and im soo not like that. I'm 25 years old and I'm very very mature for my age, I think its because of how I was raised as a child. I couldnt wait to get a job at 13, Its all I wanted to do, andI did. At 13 my first job was at Dunkin Donuts, they just opened up and my cousin got a job there, she helped me out to get me in a little bit. I remember I couldnt do much, like going into the freazer I had to have someone there to watch me! LOL. My fiance is 19, we meant when he just turned 18. I was his neighbor. I was friends with his mother first, than we met, I did have a boyfriend at the time that i was with for four long horrible years and I tryed to break it off with him or many times but he never had anywhere to go when I would leave him. Sometimes he would sleep in my ba
I do thank my fiance for a lot, if it wasnt for him I would still be using drugs and prob with this damn bum! When we met I was working on getting clean and was doing a great job. I just started a prpgram called C to A Group that I've wrote about in a lot of my blogs. I went 3 days a week there, got drug testted all the time. I would cheat at first here and there, but over all I ended uo graduating and they took me to the front of the room and said "to Tina M.....d, we wanted you to be regconized for all the hard work you put into this group and your recovery. You really made this group, than begin to help everyone else". That made me feel great because in school that stuff never happened to me, and for someone to recongize me for that was the best feeling in the world.
My mom and I had a very different yet special relationship, thing's got harder as I got older but when I was little she was my super hero! There wasn't a moment that went by that she didn't tell me that she loves me, that I'm beautiful, and smart. When I looked at her I used to think, I'm so lucky to have such a pretty mom that loves me sooo much, she always told me how I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and I believed her! :) We cuddled all the time, or slept in the same bed and I always felt so safe with her next to me. We played together a lot like Barbie’s; built forts outside (one of my favs!) she was very hands on with me. She would make me these awesome doll houses, my mom was sooo creative, an awesome drawer, she used to sit on the Bat Bus in Brockton and draw the person right in front of her to the tee it was prefect! She made books and books of these detailed drawings, my mom had so much talent it was crazy!
One year she made me a Polly Pocket Land, it was about 3x3 solid square piece of wood that she covered with dark sand paper to look and feel like a street, than made lines with chalk for the streets yellow/white lines, pebbles that she stacked on top of one another to build a little rock wall to separate the houses (I placed the Polly's house's in the lots she made). It was great! There were even mini street lights that she got from a friend that made these mini things; he also blew glass, mini martini glasses etc.!
These are all the thing's I'll never ever forget she was a great mother, wife, cook, drawer, writer, dancer, animal lover, and my mother was very smart. I learned a lot by watching her, she cleaned the house every day, and she made me help her. Good thing I did because now I find myself doing these little things she taught me. I watched and helped her cook because she thought these are things I’ll need to know when get older, and was right a lot of the time. I was always so over protective of her, I didn't want "guys" looking at my mom, I hated it! I wanted her all to myself, she had to sit me down and explain to me that the love she has for John (My step dad, they started dating when I was 8-9ish) was a different love than she had for me, that I will ALWAYS be # 1 but that's when I realized my mom needed more than just me to love her, which made me sad. I wanted to be everything my mom needed, so It could ALWAYS just be us, I loved when she talked about her and I having our own apartment together. I knew we would have soo much fun, and we could have as many animals for pets as we wanted! These were the good times, my favorite times to remember....
To Be Continued....
I hate it when I start to feel like this, I get so down on myself and feel so lonely, like im not good enough, I feel like I could cry for days. I used to use drugs to completely ignore all these feelings, so I could just be happy when I felt like it. So now that I'll been clean dealing with these emotions is very hard, sometimes it gets so bad that I have burned myself, because for some weird reason It does make it feel better. Like the burning sensation is relieving me of everything that I'm feeling. That's something I've only done when I couldn't take it anymore, and there's so much stress, normally when things happening in the moment like me fighting with a bf, and I just cant handle it anymore. When the yelling and screaming gets to be too much, and I feel like im going to break if I don't do something about it.
Right now I feel so sad, I've been clean so no drug use at all. I know I wont but anytime I have gotten clean, it always brings up all these unwanted emotions and thoughts, I dwell on them. I just can't help it, and on top of it my B.f has been doing very hurtful things to me, than can act like nothing ever happened. When I'm the one left feeling depressed, unloved, unwanted, and not attractive (which is something I shouldn't ever be feeling!) I just don't get why he does certain things to me, and I prob never will. Than blames it on me, when I haven't done anything wrong and try my best everyday. He will never ever know what it's like or how he makes me feel, or hoe damn hard it really is for me. I know I deserve so much more, but I want it from him. He's a little younger and I feel like he will learn in due time. I know he love's me, I know he would do anything for me, but when it comes to expressing how he feels it comes out wrong. Like he doesn't know how and it starts a huge fight, when to me he could just easily say it, but he can't or just won't.
I just wanted to write something maybe it would make me feel better, I just feel so confused sometimes and I don't know what to do, or if I'm doing the right thing's. Some day's I know exactly what I'm doing, and what to do... Oh how I wish my mother was here to help me with all of this, it makes me so sad that she won't see her first God child. That if she just made better decisions she would still be here with me and for me...
So I've been dealing with so much lately, I haven't been able to work so the money flow has stopped. I'm a borderline work-a-holic and I love the money, but now my fiance has been paying for most thing's like my rent, comcast, little thing's i need like dog food, cat food, etc etc... So when anything happen he says "find someone else to pay your bills" which is crazy because I told him before I got pregnant that if that was to happen, I wouldn't be able to work, i would need his help. Besides he should before all that I was holding the relationship finically! I still pay my car payment, Insurance, cell phone, etc... On top of it, i have new neighbors that can sometime's hear us fight, and after that they complain about everything! They don't want me to play music at NOON! It's crazy since I'm home now and just bought a new soundbar for my TV, so i was cleaning enjoying myself! Just so happens the head landlord was there, it was only going for ten mins than i turned it off than another ten mins later I get a knock on my door for him, he said he been having complains etc etc, when I know it's only the people above me, the girl personally doesn't like me, and her boyfriend doesn't mind me at all, I've lived here for two plus years and them, only 3 months. They moved in at the same time my old landlords sold the building, so now there's new rules like no smoking and they only did that because of the people up stairs. There starting to contradict the only building ba
(wrote this fast, sry about anything that's misspelled)
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When I started this site It's also when I decided to change my life for the better. I started a new group, going to meetings, and I also started a medication called Baclofen. I'm now coming to the end of my C&A Group, we only have one more day left and that's to get our slip'd of completion. It suchs so bad because never in a millions years would i guess I would get clean, meet a whole group of great people and come out completely on top. I ALWAyS made sure I come out on top, but it;s never worked in my recovery before lol. The thing's i've change during this 5 month group is, I kicked out a toxic person in my life, met some I love and got engaged, I've been clean this whole time, AND come out with some very close friend's. My Ex never wanted me to do shit nor did he want to do stuff with together... So now I can now go out with my friends again going to do whatever, we did Zumba the other day and I had a blast we really did. I can't tell you how happy I am today compaired to when I started this site.,. I've came sooo far, I want a sponsor, I think that's the next step. I going to miss it soo much, I deff need to find something else to take up that time, I', thinking the gym, I like Zumba or yoga something to work out my body, i needs some TLc after the bs i put it through. but i just wanted to give some 411, i tried writing on two different occasions and lost everything i wrote! I was sooo saddd! TY for readiingg.
Just wanting to write some random shit, I was in group the other day when one of my friends said to me, "Tina, I really don't know your story" and before I could reply one of the other girls said "I've heard a little and it's really sad" It's always so weird when you hear out loud how someone feels about you, like your not in the room. Or what they think about you in general, you know what I'm trying to say. Cause I don't have pity for myself that will be the day I let myself be the victim, cause than they win.
So I started to tell the group of 5-6 woman my story of how I would run home from my bus stop, run up stairs to my mother's room, I opened the door that day and all I remember seeing is needles, and not even crack pipes or stems, but nip bottles with pens going through them. The women of my group love to ask me questions because I tell them how I remember everything as a child, and they all have kid's, so there all saying what about this, and what about that, and to NOT tell your kids too much, or show them too much. I do, I remember everything from age 5,6,7 and on, and I remember thinking to myself "I don't know what it is, but I know it's bad, I know it's a drug whatever that is. It's that thing that they talk about in school all the time, I know they say not to do it.
I went through that shit with my father, n his random girlfriends too! I didn't care though cause for the first time in a while he's buying me stuff, Oops I mean you end up buying me stuff, I had one of them buy me my first Couch bag, It was a $400 Couch backpack cause I was looking at the cheapest one till she said "Well, If your going to get one, get one you like. So I did...
But any ways, I watched my mother's use for years, and they wonder why I ended up getting into drugs really? They thought (by they I mean my grandfather, grandmother, mom, uncle Vinny. That's who I lived with, my grandmother got custody when I was two.) They thought It was going to scare me but It did the opposite, I wasn't afraid of it cause I seen it all the time, I was nothing to me now. I was a very confused, troubled, angry, and depressed child at a young age. The things I was doing were all red flags and that would have made me as a parent say "I think we need to find help" or they should have made me do something!
That shit broke my heart though boyyy, words can't explain how you feel when you see your parent or family member fucked up, nodding off into there food, coming home from a 2/3 week run, visiting detox's,and hospitals to see them, and they give you the "Oh I'm great, everything's going to be different" bullshit but I give it to my mother and I have a lot of respect for her, she always made it to birthday's, Christmas's all that, and filling the room with gift's. That's where I'm just like my mother cause I would do doing the same thing no doubt. Having to go to the worse of the worst places in Brockton (Main st, Pleasant st, Warren ave, Green st. Prospect st, or visiting my uncle at the Out Law Club house in Brockton) to cop drugs with my mother.
When I was young young my grandmother would drive her to cop, or to go prostitute first than find drugs. It would piss me off to no end that my grandmother would just drive her where ever she needed to go, I would say to her "Why are you helping her"! "Let's follow her, why are you letting this happen, why are you letting her do this". One time it felt like my heart fell on the floor and no one but my mom getting her act together and do the right thing will help me get my heart back... I never got it, but I would never change, or make anything different about my life, or things that have happened in my life. I really wouldn't. I love the person I am today, everything that has happened to me happened for a reason, All that matter's it that I'm happy today, and doing good now, as long as I keep doing what I'm doing i'll be fine.... ;) ;P
I have no idea why I jump to relationship to relationship but I've been going through this horrible pattern since I was 13, my first real boyfriend. His name was Jamie, and I was so in love with him. I would have done anything for him. He was 17 going on 18. No, my mother didn't know how old he was, she did find out. Yeah that was bad, I ran away to see him and everything it was crazy. We where together for a year and a half, than he went into the navy, and I moved and went to high school lol... My mother tried so hard to keep me from him but it didn't work out that way, we were always goin at it about something, I mean we would fist fight it was always crazy at my mothers house. There was always something going on at all times. But all that's for a different story. A girl in group the other day asked me what my story was she said I never talk about it. I said hey that's not true I bring stuff up when its related to the topic of convo but if you don't ask I normally won't volunteer. But anyways I always go to relationship to another, I don't know y I do this, I can think of many reasons but I cant pin point it like. I was in a relationship for about four years and it was always off and on, and I even dated other ppl to stay away from this person. He is just toxic to me, he fight like cats and dogs. We have way too much history together, so we lit go at. Butt the way it stands right now is that we broke up, and I'm now dati g my neighbor, he currently purposed to me. That's also for another story, have I have a lot more to come, I want to come on here more, so I'm going to try I'm hardest to do so, I'm writing on my phone right now, and wow I love it cause I'm able to sit here and relax out and write whatever the fuck comes to mind. I think I have to deff do this a lot more!!
Hey Guy's !
WOW I have so much to say I don't even know where to start.... mmmm OK. I only have a quarter left to my C & A Group, I know some of you have been reading, and you guys already know I started this web site at the same time I started my group, So I could remember everything I went through, and how hard I worked to get there. RULE #1 Never forget how bad it was, this is how so many get back into there old habits, cause they forgot how it felt. I want to remember, I want to remember how fuckin hard it was, and that I did do it. I'm Very realistic I know that I have to work on this single day for the rest of my life, but there's no doubt in mind my I can do it, especially now. It's 2013 I'm throwing out the trash in my life.
It would have been five years in May, the toxic relationship I was in was slowly killing me, and no joke. The only other person in my life that could probably make me kill, other than my mother LOL... That's how accidents happen, I bug out, he doesn't stop, especially when on drugs. He's completely gone and on a rampage, while using and when he's like that, there's no doubt that he will end up killing me. It's been like that for years, everything will be good, than we will fight, but were both very hard headed, with big mouths. I'm just so fed the fuck up for real, I've tried leaving him so many times, I've even had other relationships when we have split, I feel like we always ended up back together because we found each other when we both lost someone (I lost my mom, than 2 mths after he lost his Grandmother, than his cousin, n my uncle), and we needed each other. But I'm at peace with everything now, I want to move on with my life shit, and he can't seem to get out of the past.
We had a really bad fight around Christmas he said "You ruined Christmas" So I said "Oh really". Basically he knew I haven't had a good Xmas in so long, cause he was in jail. The other Xmas he was gone, its w.e. I'm better now, so fuck the past (trying to at least). So any ways I was pissed, so I throw the Xmas tree at him, smashed everything, it was crazy. He grabbed me by my throat, and I still didn't care, he said "Who do you think you are" While holding my throat. I said "I'm me bitch" It was the heat of the moment, that's when I knew I was no longer afraid and didn't care. That's why I needed to get out of there, cause once you get me to that point, only God knows what I will do, and I have a pamper, what can I say. Maybe I'm just angry, shit I have a lot to be angry about. BUT I'm a positive person, I don't let that shit phase me, I'm not saying i walk around angry but I use it when I need too.
So I'm finally on Baclofen, l just took the first pill right now. I've been doing A LOT of research on this drug, and i can't find a reason NOT to try it! If you go to YouTube and search the drug you will find a HBO Documentary about the drug, also a doctor wrote a book about it and said that it "curled him". This drug is getting more and more popular there's at least 4 people in my group on it also, I keep hearing nothing but great things, I can't wait. I want to write in here everyday to see if craves really do reduce.... I understand how the brain works, and how this med effects the brain, look it up people! I went to my doctor's and I just asked her flat out, and she was VERY shocked because I've been hiding from her any use of street drugs at all, I know that's not good at all but I've confided in doctors before and I didnt like how I got treated after, But anyways! She didnt know too much about it, so she had to go consult with another MD, She said she's heard about all the studies, how people are getting a sc
Cause I've been having a horrible time, I can't even go two days, starting to feel hopeless, I had a HUGE break down last night and freaked out my bf so bad, I just bugged out. I was acting like a nut job lol. but the stress is killing me, I wouldn't wish an addiction problem to my worst enemy. I've had many addiction to different drug through the yrs the only one that stuck was heroin (started w/ Oc')s I've never been addicted to crack/coke like this before, I don't even use dope any more the clinic helped me in that area... I need a second addict like i need whole in the head! I go to group twice a week, meet with my counselor at last 1x a week, and have to go to the clinic everyday... I have to do the group thing or I will get kicked off, if you have read my stuff before i mention my groups a lot, I like its one C & A (Cocaine to abstinence). But I just wanted to write real quick, I havent been on here like I want to be lately, I deff want to keep track, TODAY @10:45, Dec 1, 2012 Took my first 10mg Baclofen, Have took take twice more at lunch and when I get home from work today about 9ish. Wish me luck! ;)
So because of Thanksgiving and the weekend right next to each other I slept at my Dad's house to see my lil sister Madison, which means I've had a few days clean. It feels great it really does! I've been trying to do this for months now (go more than one day) Yea, I know its bad.... I finally had sometime away from the house, where I normally try to hibernate any chance I get when I'm not working, cleaning, or doing errands lol, I love my bed, and I never really get great sleep. I've had a few days clean, $300 on me sitting in my wallet, but just didn't seem worth it to me. If i have to jump through hoops to find it, or they wont deliver I wont get it, BUT they always do cuz they know I come %100....
I'm going to try my hardest today, I got back form my Dad's house this morning at like 6;00 a.m. Jeff (I'm Boyfriend/fiancé) is supportive, but when there' any use going on, Well let's just say drugs in a relation killer, or you stay together and kill one another LOL! I fit in with the 2nd one, we have been together for 4 yrs now, and it's been rough. We love each other, and don't want to leave one another, no matter how bad it get's, and I will admit that there's ben times where I did, or he did (Leave) etc...But anyway!
I Just got home from Group, I started writing this last night, I was getting high while trying to above.... It's so so hard.... I need rehab but wont go, i'll loose my apt, work etc. But they never have worked for me in the past anyways... I'll be off to work soon, where the real test is! Have to go bring Leo (my kity) to the vet today, he needs his shots etc. last time i tryed to get there my cab never showed! UGH I hate not having a car, soon... Wish me luck all...
I wrote this about my mom a while ago, I decided to write more today....
I'm just one of those people that has to put my personal signature look on everything i can! I'm creative, original, and very resourceful. I’m inspired by anything n everything. My mother was very talented, deff were I get it from!She’s by far the most talented person I know or knew. She made me a mini Polly Pocket world, were there was little street lights, made on a huge piece of wood with sandpaper(black) on it to look like a street, she made roads (chock), took lil pebbles and glued them together for brick, stone walls. I also used to watch her draw (Sketch) a people right in front of her, and it would exactly the same, like people sitting down, on the bus it was amazing!
Why would God give a woman so many talents, to see her use drugs and waste it all. I don't wanna be like that, i don't want to waste it! Who says i have to be chained to things I'll seen in the past or done, I think those things still bother me a lot and i don't know how to get over them, how can I when the person has past that caused it? I cant even talk it out with her (my mom). I have been able to tell her things like, "mom I understand what you are going through and I don't blame you for anything" but She wanted to believe me, but i feel like her own self guilt took over. I loved my mother, I don't blame her for anything, but I do think some of the things i seen kinda messed me up a little, but Don'T get me wrong either, I'm very smart, self aware, etc... I mean, depression, mental health, stuff like that, i've done things for it in the past, but nothing seemed to work, counselling groups, meds, all of it... I feel like I do drugs only to cope, cause i really do hate them! I hate drugs with every once of hate i have in my body yet I'll spend my hard earned cash on it, not all times, only when I get sooo down, me trying to help myself doesn't work anymore. I've just felt so badly about myself lately, I'm sure my job doesn't help! I know, I know.... But i'm running out of things to do, answers, anything......Will my past hunt me forever? When will i move on from seeing all the drug use, woman selling themselves the grime of the city, I'm just a young, white, female, trying to be, learning to live life, learning more about me everyday.... I guess no one knows.....
Thanks for reading! Wanna chat more, friend me!
Love & Miss You, MOM....;)
My mood: very alive
My mother was beautiful, talented, gifted in so many ways from drawing, decorating, and being a great person, cared for all (esp animals). She had a lot of struggles though, she was a heroin addict, but my mom was different and thats why I have so so so much respect for her and we were so close, i could tell her anything. Most kids grow up to hate there parents for what they did, but not me I knew she was doing the best she could and at a very young age i was sooo smart and knew what was happening at all times! She never missed a bday party, Xmas, anything! She made sure i had the best of everything (no matter how she got them money) She was a hustler but anyone that walked into our house was amazed , because they new my mom struggled with many drugs and etc...But we still had it all and ur boyfriend was a corrections officer for lifers (but a good one) I always seen her picking herself back up, and getting help. thats were i get it from. She tough me soo much, prob more than a kid needed to know, but i would never take it back because it has made me so wise, everything she said comes true. She gave me that gift to save my life, cuz now instead of reliving all that bull shit, i already know what could happen to me...
My mom have HIV, hep C, and it all lead to cancer so she fought and fought, all she wanted was to see me graduate from high school and she did, i graduated with a scholarship too! :) But after i graduated a year after she started falling apart, she slipped into a coma, i headed to her house to see her cause my step father told me tonight might be the night and it was, i was there for three hours watching her trying to talk and moving around, hospice said that its rare for her to be moving at all. It looked like she was tryin to talk and tell us something, so I knee led down and told her "mom I'm ok, everythings going to be ok, I love you with all my heart ma, and its ok to go. John's here from me, Its ok to pass ma, I love you" and right after that she started with the "death gurgle" and past right in front of me, my step dad and grandmother are like are you sure, i said "YES! shes gone"! The worst day off my life.....
Now without her i have no one i can each out to, i need her help soo badly right now, I need my mother :...(( RIP Denise F. Juliano the best mother anyone could ever have! xoxox
My mood: very confident
Thing's are not going as planed, I don't know what to do anymore... Starting to get very depressed. I can't believe I'm writing this online. I never share my true raw thoughts ever, i deff don't keep a journal. I tryed keeping a journal one time, I was in rehab (duel) when i was about 16/17, I started keeping one there, I really like it, but than when i went home and things started getting bad again, my grandmother went through my room and found it, the thing's she read was the most personal things of the life, I was modified Talked about my drug use and all the horrible things she has no idea about. So never again will I do that, but I really like this site, and right now I never no one to talk to, I'm close to one of my cousins but she's goin through so crazy shit and has been ignoring me, which kills me inside cuz i feel like shes bailing on me, shes done this to me before. I called and texted to sayin kay i need help please answer me and still nothing so selfish. She has her own problems i know, her mother passed like mine as well, she has eating disorders, etc... mental heath issues. But we were so close just 2 weeks ago, joined to the hip than she just left me again. I'm so depressed about of all this shit, I'm find it so hard to stop use, I'm lost...
My mood: extremely guilty
- Virgo -
You may find it particularly difficult to explain why you feel so tense and rest
less. Try and avoid letting the way you feel badly affect the people around you and thereby causing even more tension and stress to develop. You should spend some time alone and think carefully about the things that you need to get done, instead of being driven to make rash decisions and mistakes that badly affect everybody around you.
My mood: pretty stormy
There's a reason I found this site, I came across it by accident. Ive been goin through a very very hard time, I've been using for about 8+ yrs now, I'm a lil different than what you may think though, when you look at me you can't tell. I fool around one around me, ugly = Bad, Beauty = Good. It's how MOST see things. I have a nice apt, I take care of myself, I have nice things, I'm in school, I maintain. Everyone falls for it.... I'm keeping my head above water, I do have help though I go to groups every Tues and Thurs its mando that I go. I prob that I'm hitting is things have changed a lil in my recovery and Im tryin to learn how to fix this.... (I can't believe I'm posting this, to give someone you what's goin on in my head)
Previous PostsMe, My Fiance, and how things were in the beginning! THIS WA SNOT EDITED IT WILL BE SOON< NOT DONE!, posted February 4th, 2014
Me & My Mom, The good Memories!, posted January 23rd, 2014
Better Days...., posted January 20th, 2014
What's been going on.... Stressed!, posted January 8th, 2014
How I Feel Today, My New Life.... <3, posted December 28th, 2013
How I've been feeling about being prego...., posted December 20th, 2013
A Quickie, HAPPY... The End Of C&A Group., posted March 22nd, 2013
From What I remember, And I do remember, When I was little..., posted February 9th, 2013
a little about me n relationships lol!, posted February 9th, 2013
Catch Up Pt 2, posted January 27th, 2013
Trying Baclofen, the addiction medication. (Catch up), posted December 1st, 2012
still using, posted November 27th, 2012
My Mom, and Me... More about me.... How I feel..., posted November 20th, 2012
My Mother passed when I was 19..., posted November 17th, 2012
Day's are getting worse..., posted November 14th, 2012
My "oh So True" Horoscope For Today..., posted November 13th, 2012
Reaching out..., posted November 7th, 2012
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