From What I remember, And I do remember, When I was little... | teeheartmarie's Blog

     Just wanting to write some random shit, I was in group the other day when one of my friends said to me, "Tina, I really don't know your story" and before I could reply one of the other girls said "I've heard a little and it's really sad" It's always so weird when you hear out loud how someone feels about you, like your not in the room. Or what they think about you in general, you know what I'm trying to say. Cause I don't have pity for myself that will be the day I let myself be the victim, cause than they win.
     So I started to tell the group of 5-6 woman my story of how I would run home from my bus stop, run up stairs to my mother's room, I opened the door that day and all I remember seeing is needles, and not even crack pipes or stems, but nip bottles with pens going through them. The women of my group love to ask me questions because I tell them how I remember everything as a child, and they all have kid's, so there all saying what about this, and what about that, and to NOT tell your kids too much, or show them too much. I do, I remember everything from age 5,6,7 and on, and I remember thinking to myself "I don't know what it is, but I know it's bad, I know it's a drug whatever that is. It's that thing that they talk about in school all the time, I know they say not to do it.
     I went through that shit with my father, n his random girlfriends too! I didn't care though cause for the first time in a while he's buying me stuff, Oops I mean you end up buying me stuff, I had one of them buy me my first Couch bag, It was a $400 Couch backpack cause I was looking at the cheapest one till she said "Well, If your going to get one, get one you like. So I did...
     But any ways, I  watched my mother's use for years, and they wonder why I ended up getting into drugs really? They thought (by they I mean my grandfather, grandmother, mom, uncle Vinny. That's who I lived with, my grandmother got custody when I was two.) They thought It was going to scare me but It did the opposite, I wasn't afraid of it cause I seen it all the time, I was nothing to me now. I was a very confused, troubled, angry, and depressed child at a young age.  The things I was doing were all red flags and that would have made me as a parent say "I think we need to find help" or they should have made me do something!
      That shit broke my heart though boyyy, words can't explain how you feel when you see your parent or family member fucked up, nodding off into there food, coming home from a 2/3 week run, visiting detox's,and  hospitals to see them, and they give you the "Oh I'm great, everything's going to be different" bullshit but I give it to my mother and I have a lot of respect for her, she always made it to birthday's, Christmas's all that, and filling the room with gift's. That's where I'm just like my mother cause I would do doing the same thing no doubt. Having to go to the worse of the worst places in Brockton (Main st, Pleasant st, Warren ave, Green st. Prospect st, or visiting my uncle at the Out Law Club house in Brockton) to cop drugs with my mother.
      When I was young young my grandmother would drive her to cop, or to go prostitute first than find drugs. It would piss me off to no end that my grandmother would just drive her where ever she needed to go, I would say to her "Why are you helping her"! "Let's follow her, why are you letting this happen, why are you letting her do this". One time it felt like my heart fell on the floor and no one but my mom getting her act together and do the right thing will help me get my heart back...  I never got it, but I would never change, or make anything different about my life, or things that have happened in my life. I really wouldn't. I love the person I am today, everything that has happened to me happened for a reason, All that matter's it that I'm happy today, and doing good now, as long as I keep doing what I'm doing i'll be fine.... ;)     ;P

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